so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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