I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
