Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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