Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
