I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
