First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
