I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just google imaged poop.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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