we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
