He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
