you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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