Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
