Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
