mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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