P.S. I can't hear my feet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
