I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
