just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
