we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
