new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
