Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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