here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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