My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
