Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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