Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
