you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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