I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Four minutes until I can fart!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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