Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
