FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
