Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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