I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
