He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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