I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
