Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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