I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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