I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
