and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
