I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
