i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
