and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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