When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
