i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
