I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
