I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
