If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
