The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
