I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
