the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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