I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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