I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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