We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
