I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS