think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
