on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
