nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
