So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think my moral compass just broke
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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