Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
